Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Being the heroine.

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Recently, I found this quote, and at the time, I really needed to read it. Since I read it, it has been a guiding force for me.
 
It has been over a year since my divorce was final now. It is hard to believe it's only been that long. Most days it feels like it has always been like this. Just me and Cameron. Life is easier in some ways, but it is still harder in others. This morning I did not want to go to work. I wasn't feeling well, and I just wanted to take the day off and sleep all day. I don't have that option, and on days like today, it's hard. I want someone to take care of me. I want someone to be there to help financially so I'm able to take the day off. The reality is that it is just me here though, and I have rent and electricity to pay, and if I miss a day of work, I am not able to pay one or more of my bills. So I went to work. Because I depend on myself, and more importantly, Cameron depends on me.
 
It is so very easy for me to make excuses for myself. For me to play the single mom card, and throw my hands up, and say whatever it is that I am doing is too hard. School is too hard, it's too hard to manage my money, it's too hard to make it to work on time. It's all excuses. Yes, divorce was heartbreaking and I still struggle, but it doesn't define me or give me a reason to make excuses.
 
I want to be the heroine.
 
I want to say I really tried. I want to help people. I want to better myself. I want to make meaningful contributions to my world. None of what I am doing is easy right now, but this is the path I have chosen because I believed it would be better for Cameron and myself. As I chose this path, I also have to choose to embrace the now.
 
This is our now, and it's up to me to make the best of it.


Saturday, September 15, 2012

March for Babies 2012

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This morning was the March for Babies. It was a such a perfect day for walking. Lately, I've been identifying a lot with Ali Edwards' showing up mentality. This morning was definitely one of those moments. Where I was happy I showed up. Last year, we raised over $500, but did not end up walking for a handful of reasons. This year, even though the date changed, I was determined to go. I was determined to show up.

I've preached and spoken many times about why the March of Dimes is so important to me. Cameron was born at 35 weeks, and was in the NICU for 3 days. 3 days is nothing compared to many of the stories I've heard, but the fact that he was there still had an impact on me. It hurts my heart to think of parents having their children in there for months, having to leave their babies or their babies never leaving. No parent should have to go through that.

Our ambassador mom this morning said this: "I know I can't change this by myself, but we do this hoping if we all come together, one day no one will have to go through these things anymore." That, my friends, is why I do this.

There were tears, but there was also a lot of celebration. Celebration, for me personally, was having Cameron there with me. Some of you may also remember the miscarriage I had at the very end of December in 2010. I don't like to talk about it, and rarely do, but I think about that little one often. He or she would have been one this month.

The whole event was very therapeutic. Talking to fellow parents about things other parents take for granted during the birth, knowing its ok to feel how you do, and the sense of knowing what the person walking next to you has been through. It just made me love the March of Dimes and what they are doing even more.

I can't wait to do it again.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Dating & Project Life

For most of this year, I have been dating around. I have been struggling with how to incorporate that part of my life in our scrapbook. It is a part of my story, of our story, since Cameron has been around a few of them. I am very protective of our scrapbook, and I will remember the guys I have dated this year, whether or not I really want to. ;) The dilemma lies in who to mention and who to skip.

The boyfriend I was with for some months last year and a month or so at the beginning of the year is worth mentioning. I believe he made an appearance in our 2011 book. I will mention something about our breakup when I tackle the beginning of February, I'm sure. I mainly dated around until the beginning of this summer. The in-betweens will be skipped. I never spent a good amount of time with them, so I don't feel compelled to mention them. At this point, unless I find a movie ticket stub, I probably won't even remember the dates. (Benefit to procrastinating Project Life this year?) I had a boyfriend this summer and there were a few things Cam and I did that involved seeing him quite a bit. I feel like he will need to be mentioned since we dedicated multiple nights a week to him. He was definitely a part of our beginning-of-summer story.

Recently, I started dating someone new. For the past month or so, we have been very involved in each others lives. In the beginning, I debated whether he would be someone I would mention. Last weekend I had an experience I have not had in years - meeting the parents. I feel pretty safe in mentioning him now. :)

Look for pages from our Project Life album soon.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

It is about the journey...

Running

In the beginning of February, I bought Asics running shoes with the goal of doing a 5k by the end of the year. At first, I was worried about the purchase. Would I stick with this or was this just something else I would quit if it got too hard? (I have a habit of doing that - I'm working on it.) I started using the Ease Into 5K app. The very first workout of the app was a struggle, but I went at least 3 times a week. I bought a very nice jogging stroller, another purchase I questioned. I hated that thing. It was so hard to push and steer. It gave me an excuse not to go a few times. But it was when I hit a wall at week 4 that I really started to get frustrated. I accepted that I may never get past that week, and I kept going, and would you believe it? I got past it. I had a breakthrough after doing it for 4 weeks in a row. (Yes, that's right, I did it for 4 weeks.) I had never liked running, but not even half way through my training, I realized I missed it if I didn't go. Now I love it. I've had a bit of a rough year personally, and it has been really therapeutic.

There have been many times I've wanted to quit. When I first started, I was very sore. I still get shin splints occasionally. When I got frustrated, I cried and said I couldn't do it. In February and March, it was really, really cold. I've been sidelined by allergies and heat. I could have quit, but I didn't. And in less than 4 days, all of that will have been worth it when I cross the Cardinals Care 6K finish line inside Busch Stadium. This run is so much more than a run to me. It is the completion of a goal, and as silly as it may sound, a dream. It is proof to myself that I can do something if I work hard and really try. It is proof that you can turn something you dislike into something you love.

I am just so darn proud of myself. Go me.


Thursday, September 6, 2012

We are here.

We are still here.

Life is busy and hectic. But it's really good.

Work, laundry, dishes, homework, meetings, phone calls, dates, being lazy, playing, watching tv, time away, birthdays, baseball games, sleepovers, the beach, visiting family. These are the things that have made up our summer.

I found myself drawn to writing again a few months ago. It started with me writing in a Smash book, using it as a personal journal. The things that are happening here on this blog have been in the works for a while. All very cautiously thought out and intentional. This little blog is a work in progress. The name has changed, the look has changed. It needed to reflect that we have changed. Our life may have taken an unexpected turn last year, but we are on the right track now.

I am slowly getting back to doing things I love. Scrapbooking, reading, taking photos, writing. Not too quickly, but I'm getting there. This is just another step. I am so behind on our scrapbook, but I've ignored it for the past 7 months so what makes me think I will be able to accomplish putting 7 months of our lives in a scrapbook overnight? I abandoned doing things I loved for just living for a while. I accept that.

The life you have led doesn't have to be the only life you have. -Anna Quindlen

Here is to writing more and reading more.