The Second Time Around

Getting married for the second time is something I think about a lot. When J and I decided we wanted to get married (which was a long road with a story for another day), I knew I wanted to have a wedding this time around. I always regretted not having a real wedding. Of course now I am thankful I didn't back then (hehe). This time I know that this is right, and I want to do it the more traditional way.

I've spent a lot of time in my life feeling like I've missed out on things or that I didn't do things the right way. Now, of course, I realize everyone has their own path and the way things work out is really for the best. I just knew the 'ol courthouse ceremony wasn't for us though.

J and I have been through a lot over the past two and a half years. There were times that I wasn't sure we would ever get married. I knew I loved him, and I knew he was really the one, but outsiders were putting so much negativity into our lives that it made it seem like it just might not happen. We don't need marriage to define our relationship or our family. I know J will be by my side no matter what and I know I will always be there for him, but to me it just feels like the last step to making our family official. We have so many friends and family that have cheered us on along the way that this really is a time for celebration for them too.

Although wedding planning is really stressful, I am remembering to enjoy the journey and not get too far ahead of myself. All in all, it's been really fun and I'm just trying to soak it all in. Taking engagement photos, putting together flowers with my mom and bestie, and most recently, the cake tasting have been some of the most special times of my life.

Being in love is wonderful and having the support of everyone around you is even better! Live your life and go with your gut. It is never wrong - I am living proof! :)

Being the heroine.

 

Recently, I found this quote, and at the time, I really needed to read it. Since I read it, it has been a guiding force for me.

 

It has been over a year since my divorce was final now. It is hard to believe it's only been that long. Most days it feels like it has always been like this. Just me and Cameron. Life is easier in some ways, but it is still harder in others. This morning I did not want to go to work. I wasn't feeling well, and I just wanted to take the day off and sleep all day. I don't have that option, and on days like today, it's hard. I want someone to take care of me. I want someone to be there to help financially so I'm able to take the day off. The reality is that it is just me here though, and I have rent and electricity to pay, and if I miss a day of work, I am not able to pay one or more of my bills. So I went to work. Because I depend on myself, and more importantly, Cameron depends on me.

 

It is so very easy for me to make excuses for myself. For me to play the single mom card, and throw my hands up, and say whatever it is that I am doing is too hard. School is too hard, it's too hard to manage my money, it's too hard to make it to work on time. It's all excuses. Yes, divorce was heartbreaking and I still struggle, but it doesn't define me or give me a reason to make excuses.

 

I want to be the heroine.

 

I want to say I really tried. I want to help people. I want to better myself. I want to make meaningful contributions to my world. None of what I am doing is easy right now, but this is the path I have chosen because I believed it would be better for Cameron and myself. As I chose this path, I also have to choose to embrace the now.

 

This is our now, and it's up to me to make the best of it.



Hello.

Long time, no blog.

I'm a really bad blogger, I know. One of my goals is to get back into the habit of blogging. I can make time, I just don't. I choose to watch Gossip Girl usually instead. :)

Things have been going well here for us. We have settled into our new life, our new routine, and our new home quite nicely now. Frankly, being able to do what I want to do, guilt-free is pretty amazing. Cam and I can go visit my parents, or we can stay home. When Cameron is with his Dad, I have all the time in the world to do whatever I want. (During the my school term, it's usually home work.)

This past weekend that free time meant quite a bit of crafting. Christmas time got pretty hectic, but before then and, now, after Christmas, I've found some time to make things. It's been so nice. I've really enjoyed decorating our place. I get to pick out everything without having to hear the opinions of someone else. I never had my own place, I've always lived with other people so it's really great. I'm learning I have to do it slowly, but it's getting there. One week I buy curtains, the next I buy curtain rods, the next I make a wreath. One step at a time.

A lot like how I'm taking life these days. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. With all of my responsibilities. With how long I have before I finish school. With the financial aspects of both. It's scary being on your own. But then I think of how proud of myself I am. I'm doing this. Yes, I have help sometimes, but a lot of the time I don't. It's just me and Cam. And God, of course. He always makes sure we are taken care of. We are so blessed.

I promise to make more time for this in 2012. One step a time.

On Being A Single Mom

If I said our lives were not very different from when I was still married, I would be lying big time. However, I have found that there have been some things that have come much easier than I expected. No one goes into a marriage with the thought of "this could end", but I know that through out my marriage I thought about how lucky I was to have someone there to (somewhat) help me with Cam, dinner (we ate out a lot), and grocery shopping (WHY did we even grocery shop? We ate out so much). When we decided to divorce, I imagined it would be much harder taking care of Cam than it really is. His dad worked a lot. There were days he would be gone 12+ hours, and he wouldn't get to see Cam before he went to bed. That was pretty rough to be with him by myself all day. That was also before I started working, but I find I'm just as tired or more after working all day than when I was staying home with him. There are times when I'm just "done" with the terrible twos, but I can't ever actually be done because there's no one to take over now. For the most part the actual caring for Cameron part is about as equal as before though.

I worry about money way more now. There isn't the comfort of having that larger second income now. There have been oh so many times if I wondered if I did the right thing, getting divorced. But I realize how much more peaceful our lives are, and I know it's right no matter what sacrifices I have to make.

The one thing that really gets to me kind of came as a surprise to me. It's the doing things by ourselves now stuff that really gets to me. It's seeing other families together when we're out at the grocery store. It's the wondering of how I'll handle the holidays this year being by myself, without Cameron here, on Christmas morning. We went to the Pumpkin Patch yesterday, and we had a lot of fun picking out our pumpkins. As we left though, I realized we were about the only ones there that weren't a family with a Dad part there. It wasn't a big deal. I didn't cry or anything, but those are the times that it just kind of hits me.

Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever have a Dad part around again... but that's a whole other blog post. ;)

just us.

I have thought a lot about what it will be like to be a single mom recently. It will be the first time I have really ever lived all by myself (I'll have Cam of course, but he's not an adult :). I am actually looking forward to having our own place and decorating it how we want and doing whatever we want to when we want to. I don't worry about actually caring for Cam by myself because I'm pretty much used to that. The financial aspects of the situation scare me, but I know it will all work out and that God will take care of us. I have a very strict budget set for when we are finally able to move out, and I have already been saving money for us. I've been trying to pack up what I can of our stuff so that when we can move out and find a place, we are pretty well ready.

I will be sad to leave this house after being here for 3 years, but I think I will also be relieved when we can leave. Since I didn't help pick it out, this house has, in some ways, not felt like home to me. But since we have decided to get divorced, it really doesn't feel like home anymore. I am trying to be patient, but I am so ready for Cam and I to move on. I'm just ready for it to be over with.

A New Chapter

Cameron and I are starting a new chapter in our lives and I wanted to document it somewhere. It has become really hard for me to do anything (namely work on my project life) except go to work, figure out dinner and do some house work before I go to bed and do it all over again.

Since I have started working a lot of changes have taken place in our household. A new job, a new car, new friends, etc. Most of the time, I am able to keep myself together. I've actually felt very confident and peaceful throughout this period.

There is no easy way to tell people about the new change I am going through though. There is no easy way to tell your family and friends you are getting a divorce. (It could be part of the reason why I'm not into my project life scrapbook right now.) I am accepting that it is all part of God's plan for my life though. I have had a few 'moments', but I've been okay with it for the most part. I've known it was coming for quite a while.

I am doing really well at my new job and have been told so by the people I've worked closely with for the past month. I really love where I work and it feels so nice to be appreciated in the workplace and have normal work hours without being called in constantly. It's something I haven't experienced in a long time.

I'm enrolled in classes to finish my degree and am beyond excited to hopefully have my Bachelor's degree in a few years.

Yes, this new chapter will be hard but it will be so worth it. At the end of the day I remind myself why I'm doing it and I don't even question myself for a second:



I am having faith.