All in.

Lately, this phrase has been coming to mind a lot. Life is busy, but I'm trying to be all in everything I do.

I have definitely been all in to my homework. I took one class this term, and I have gotten nothing but A's and B's. Slowly getting my focus back. It's really hard. I just want to sit around when I get home from work. :)

Work is busy. I find myself wanting more out of what I do lately. But, in the spirit of not wanting to make a big change yet and "bloom where I'm planted", I'm trying to make it work. I am thankful for my coworkers. They get me through the day.

Project Life. What to say? I am so behind! I'm frustrated. I've had thoughts of not doing it next year. Making time for it is just not happening lately. I'm in a state of trying to balance everything, and it is low on the priority list. Work, Cameron, homework, a still-new relationship... all of these things come first. Rightfully so. Oh, and the relationship? So good. I'm definitely all in. It is not without it's challenges, but all in all, I'm pretty sure the happiest I've ever been.

I took a leap of faith and started a Scentsy business last week. Direct selling was something I'd been considering doing for a while. I sold Arbonne for a few years a while back, but it wasn't the right time or the right product. This feels like the right time and the right product. I need the extra income for sure. Living on my income alone is rough right now. I've decided to go all in to my business. I want this to happen, I want this to work. I met with my sponsor in the first few days. My goal is to sell $500 in product by November 30th. It seems like a crazy goal, but I said that when it came to my fundraising and then I think of what I accomplished there. I definitely want to follow in my sponsor's footsteps and make this an approachable thing. I pinky promise I will not be shoving Scentsy bars in your face constantly. :)

I have my second run on Saturday. I am going to try my hardest to run it all. I'm terrified. I haven't ran in weeks. It got colder and boy, I just lost all motivation. We'll see how it goes, but I'm going to try.

Setting goals. Making plans. Just starting. All in. Showing up.

This is life right now, and it's pretty darn good.

F is for failure.

I've done a lot of failing this year.

Failed classes (yes, multiple).
Failed relationships.
Failed managing money.
Failed as a mom (earlier this year, I put Cameron in shorts when it was only 50 degrees out).

Fail, fail, fail.

Over, and over, and over.

I really loved this quote when I found it on Pinterest (a lot of what I pin is quotes - if you're following me, you're welcome).



I pretty much walk around feeling like crap 80% of the time right now because I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like I can't ever give 100% at anything. I always feel like I need more time. Or more money. Or more energy. I feel guilty.

This past year I have had to give up doing things like scrapbooking and blogging and being on twitter. I hate it. I have so many books I want to read and I never have time. I hate people that use that phrase, but I really never have any time. I work 8-5. I spend 6:15-7:30AM getting Cam and I ready to get out the door. I pickup my three-year-old boss at 5:15PM and until 8PM, I cater to him. We color, we read, he has goldfish and juice, we watch Cars, mostly whatever he wants. By the time 8PM rolls around I'm so tired, I just want one freaking hour to sit and do nothing on Pinterest. I procrastinate doing homework. Some nights I'm so overwhelmed after the day and after thinking about what all still needs to be done, I just give up and go to bed. Some nights I stay up past midnight doing homework.

I'm drowning. And I'm not alone.

I literally dream about just walking out of my job every. single. day. But I can't do that because I'm a single mom and my income? That's all we have. And we are scraping by right now.

My life is so unbalanced. I want to get back on track though. So I'm joining Liz's challenge (which is a 31 day challenge from the Nesting Place) to learn how to manage my life.

Up next on the blog? My goals for this project.

Being the heroine.

 

Recently, I found this quote, and at the time, I really needed to read it. Since I read it, it has been a guiding force for me.

 

It has been over a year since my divorce was final now. It is hard to believe it's only been that long. Most days it feels like it has always been like this. Just me and Cameron. Life is easier in some ways, but it is still harder in others. This morning I did not want to go to work. I wasn't feeling well, and I just wanted to take the day off and sleep all day. I don't have that option, and on days like today, it's hard. I want someone to take care of me. I want someone to be there to help financially so I'm able to take the day off. The reality is that it is just me here though, and I have rent and electricity to pay, and if I miss a day of work, I am not able to pay one or more of my bills. So I went to work. Because I depend on myself, and more importantly, Cameron depends on me.

 

It is so very easy for me to make excuses for myself. For me to play the single mom card, and throw my hands up, and say whatever it is that I am doing is too hard. School is too hard, it's too hard to manage my money, it's too hard to make it to work on time. It's all excuses. Yes, divorce was heartbreaking and I still struggle, but it doesn't define me or give me a reason to make excuses.

 

I want to be the heroine.

 

I want to say I really tried. I want to help people. I want to better myself. I want to make meaningful contributions to my world. None of what I am doing is easy right now, but this is the path I have chosen because I believed it would be better for Cameron and myself. As I chose this path, I also have to choose to embrace the now.

 

This is our now, and it's up to me to make the best of it.



Dating & Project Life

For most of this year, I have been dating around. I have been struggling with how to incorporate that part of my life in our scrapbook. It is a part of my story, of our story, since Cameron has been around a few of them. I am very protective of our scrapbook, and I will remember the guys I have dated this year, whether or not I really want to. ;) The dilemma lies in who to mention and who to skip.

The boyfriend I was with for some months last year and a month or so at the beginning of the year is worth mentioning. I believe he made an appearance in our 2011 book. I will mention something about our breakup when I tackle the beginning of February, I'm sure. I mainly dated around until the beginning of this summer. The in-betweens will be skipped. I never spent a good amount of time with them, so I don't feel compelled to mention them. At this point, unless I find a movie ticket stub, I probably won't even remember the dates. (Benefit to procrastinating Project Life this year?) I had a boyfriend this summer and there were a few things Cam and I did that involved seeing him quite a bit. I feel like he will need to be mentioned since we dedicated multiple nights a week to him. He was definitely a part of our beginning-of-summer story.

Recently, I started dating someone new. For the past month or so, we have been very involved in each others lives. In the beginning, I debated whether he would be someone I would mention. Last weekend I had an experience I have not had in years - meeting the parents. I feel pretty safe in mentioning him now. :)

Look for pages from our Project Life album soon.

Hello.

Long time, no blog.

I'm a really bad blogger, I know. One of my goals is to get back into the habit of blogging. I can make time, I just don't. I choose to watch Gossip Girl usually instead. :)

Things have been going well here for us. We have settled into our new life, our new routine, and our new home quite nicely now. Frankly, being able to do what I want to do, guilt-free is pretty amazing. Cam and I can go visit my parents, or we can stay home. When Cameron is with his Dad, I have all the time in the world to do whatever I want. (During the my school term, it's usually home work.)

This past weekend that free time meant quite a bit of crafting. Christmas time got pretty hectic, but before then and, now, after Christmas, I've found some time to make things. It's been so nice. I've really enjoyed decorating our place. I get to pick out everything without having to hear the opinions of someone else. I never had my own place, I've always lived with other people so it's really great. I'm learning I have to do it slowly, but it's getting there. One week I buy curtains, the next I buy curtain rods, the next I make a wreath. One step at a time.

A lot like how I'm taking life these days. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. With all of my responsibilities. With how long I have before I finish school. With the financial aspects of both. It's scary being on your own. But then I think of how proud of myself I am. I'm doing this. Yes, I have help sometimes, but a lot of the time I don't. It's just me and Cam. And God, of course. He always makes sure we are taken care of. We are so blessed.

I promise to make more time for this in 2012. One step a time.

On Being A Single Mom

If I said our lives were not very different from when I was still married, I would be lying big time. However, I have found that there have been some things that have come much easier than I expected. No one goes into a marriage with the thought of "this could end", but I know that through out my marriage I thought about how lucky I was to have someone there to (somewhat) help me with Cam, dinner (we ate out a lot), and grocery shopping (WHY did we even grocery shop? We ate out so much). When we decided to divorce, I imagined it would be much harder taking care of Cam than it really is. His dad worked a lot. There were days he would be gone 12+ hours, and he wouldn't get to see Cam before he went to bed. That was pretty rough to be with him by myself all day. That was also before I started working, but I find I'm just as tired or more after working all day than when I was staying home with him. There are times when I'm just "done" with the terrible twos, but I can't ever actually be done because there's no one to take over now. For the most part the actual caring for Cameron part is about as equal as before though.

I worry about money way more now. There isn't the comfort of having that larger second income now. There have been oh so many times if I wondered if I did the right thing, getting divorced. But I realize how much more peaceful our lives are, and I know it's right no matter what sacrifices I have to make.

The one thing that really gets to me kind of came as a surprise to me. It's the doing things by ourselves now stuff that really gets to me. It's seeing other families together when we're out at the grocery store. It's the wondering of how I'll handle the holidays this year being by myself, without Cameron here, on Christmas morning. We went to the Pumpkin Patch yesterday, and we had a lot of fun picking out our pumpkins. As we left though, I realized we were about the only ones there that weren't a family with a Dad part there. It wasn't a big deal. I didn't cry or anything, but those are the times that it just kind of hits me.

Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever have a Dad part around again... but that's a whole other blog post. ;)