Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas (and Happy New Year) from our home to yours! Here's to more blogging in 2013 in our new home! :)

Thankful.

I am thankful for...

1. Cameron. I lament a lot about living here "by myself" without my family close, but Cameron is always here. He is my family, he is my home. I am thankful we have learned how to be our own family in this apartment.

2. My job. I have a source of income, thank God. I am in a place where I'm really frustrated with this area of my life, but I am confident it will pass with lots of prayer. :)

3. My boyfriend & his children. Where to begin? I love them. Dating someone with children is a lot, let alone when you have your own child. I am thankful our kids get along, even though our schedules with them don't really compliment each other. Maybe there will be a little more to be thankful for in that area soon.

4. Running. This has undoubtedly been a rough year for me. Running helped me work through A LOT. I never would have thought I would have a place in my heart for it, but here I am. :)

All in.

Lately, this phrase has been coming to mind a lot. Life is busy, but I'm trying to be all in everything I do.

I have definitely been all in to my homework. I took one class this term, and I have gotten nothing but A's and B's. Slowly getting my focus back. It's really hard. I just want to sit around when I get home from work. :)

Work is busy. I find myself wanting more out of what I do lately. But, in the spirit of not wanting to make a big change yet and "bloom where I'm planted", I'm trying to make it work. I am thankful for my coworkers. They get me through the day.

Project Life. What to say? I am so behind! I'm frustrated. I've had thoughts of not doing it next year. Making time for it is just not happening lately. I'm in a state of trying to balance everything, and it is low on the priority list. Work, Cameron, homework, a still-new relationship... all of these things come first. Rightfully so. Oh, and the relationship? So good. I'm definitely all in. It is not without it's challenges, but all in all, I'm pretty sure the happiest I've ever been.

I took a leap of faith and started a Scentsy business last week. Direct selling was something I'd been considering doing for a while. I sold Arbonne for a few years a while back, but it wasn't the right time or the right product. This feels like the right time and the right product. I need the extra income for sure. Living on my income alone is rough right now. I've decided to go all in to my business. I want this to happen, I want this to work. I met with my sponsor in the first few days. My goal is to sell $500 in product by November 30th. It seems like a crazy goal, but I said that when it came to my fundraising and then I think of what I accomplished there. I definitely want to follow in my sponsor's footsteps and make this an approachable thing. I pinky promise I will not be shoving Scentsy bars in your face constantly. :)

I have my second run on Saturday. I am going to try my hardest to run it all. I'm terrified. I haven't ran in weeks. It got colder and boy, I just lost all motivation. We'll see how it goes, but I'm going to try.

Setting goals. Making plans. Just starting. All in. Showing up.

This is life right now, and it's pretty darn good.

My first 6K.

It's been almost a month since my first ever run in St. Louis. I wrote a bit about running in a few previous posts. I wanted to kind of take a post to really write about that day though. I woke up early around 5:30AM so I could have breakfast before. I stayed at the Hilton at the Ballpark, so I was very close to the stadium. I had toast and an orange and some water. I made it to the ballpark at 7AM to register. The line wasn't too long, and I made it right through.

I waited along with everyone else by the Stan Musial statue. I was a little anxious, but mostly just ready to run. The nerves didn't hit until I took my place in line. I took a position towards the back since I wasn't sure I could keep a good 10 minute pace the whole time. As I listened to the national anthem play, the nerves really hit and all I wanted to do was RUN. We were getting a late start as it was since they waited an extra 15 minutes for everyone to get registered.

I had read we weren't allowed to have earbuds. Most of the participants had them though. Definitely never running without them ever again. It was really, really hard running without my music. I'd never done it before that day. I walked a bit of the way around mile 2 because my foot went numb. I wasn't thrilled with how I ran (I think I would've done better with my music!), but I was proud of myself because I finished. And really, a 13 minute mile isn't that bad.

Overall, the experience was very good. I more than reached my goal (my goal was to run a 5K before the end of the year), and, for once, I really stuck to something I wasn't sure I could do. It sounds cliche, but it showed me that if I work hard, I can do anything I want to. Crossing the finish line inside Busch Stadium was amazing.

I hated running prior to starting my training, but now I really love it. All I could think of after I finished was "I want to do this again" and "I want to go a longer distance" and "I want to keep doing this". I am considering running in the St. Louis Half Marathon. There are thoughts in my mind that I won't be able to run 13.1 miles, but then again, I thought I couldn't ever run 3 either. Either way, I am definitely doing the Cardinals Care 6K again.

Here's to going futher and pushing yourself.

Hello fall.

Hello fall.

Today I am welcoming fall.

At first, I was in a bit of a panic about fall. I was not ready to give up my beach days and tan, but fall is bringing some very nice things along with it.

It is bringing us a more regular-paced life.

It is bringing me more time to do the things I like to do (hello, project life catch-up!).

It is bringing cooler temperatures, which means more outside play for us and more welcomed running conditions.

It is bringing the anticipation of taking Cameron to the pumpkin patch this weekend.

It is bringing Halloween. Cameron has decided to be a Lightning McQueen driver this year.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Currently.

Ali Edwards did a post a few weeks ago and challenged us in her newsletter to write about things that were going on currently. It took me a few weeks, but I'm finally getting around to this. I think it will be a nice little addition to our Project Life (which I just so happen to be working on tonight).

Watching The Voice, Revolution, New Girl, Last Resort, Go On, and Revenge. Hello fall TV.

Packing for the weekend. This has become a welcome weekly ritual for me. I spend Saturday, Sunday, and Monday nights at my boyfriend's house. Cameron is always with his dad those nights, and I enjoy not being by myself during that time. Sometimes I stay Friday night too, depending on his Dad's and my schedule.

Paying attention to budgeting money (something I really, really struggle with), my thoughts (positive and negative - trying to be more positive), and my time management (I bought a planner yesterday).

Listening to a lot of Songza, at home and at work. In the car, I'm listening to the new songs on my iPhone - Red by Taylor Swift (lots of Taylor in my playlists lately), With Ur Love by Cher Lloyd, and Shake It Out by Florence and the Machine are just a few.

Celebrating passing my Business Law class. One class closer to my degree.

Savoring the newness of my relationship with J. Relationships take a lot of time in the beginning. I'm enjoying every moment of getting to know him. I'm thankful we were friends prior to dating. He is wonderful.

Planning for Christmas and the holidays. I am scaling back big time this year. I have decided what I'm getting/making everyone, I just need to make it happen. Debating on whether or not I want to decorate this year. The idea seems overwhelming to me right now. We'll see.

Dreaming about running the St. Louis Half Marathon in April 2013. I'm seriously considering doing it. It's been on my mind since my 6K in early September.

Working on Project Life. I'm on break from school this week and next week. Hoping to put a serious dent in this stack of photos.

Loving Cameron's ever-expanding vocabulary. My favorite things he says right now are "wait a minute-second", "I be right back", and "really?!" (He got that one from me. :)

Reading blogs again. Sometimes in the evening, sometimes at work when I need a break from sales numbers. Desperately wanting to start a few new books I got on my Kindle app for iPad. Maybe tonight.

Bundling up. It's that time of year here where you are hot when you are in your car or office, but chilly if you are walking in between the two. Dressing a bit like summer still, but wearing jackets. I got my fall clothes out of our storage unit last week. I'm ready now. C'mon fall.

Managing Life: Days 6-8

This weekend I was able to manage my time pretty well. I took my last final for the term. I start a new term in 2 weeks, so these next few weeks are all about making the most of the time I have to get things done.

The spending ban is off to an okay start. I must confess that I did spend $2 on a new nail polish. :) I haven't bought anything extra other than that though, so I'm doing well there.

This weekend I want to take Cam to the pumpkin patch. I am looking forward to it. I took him last year too. Hopefully he'll be in a bit of a better mood this year. :) I'm looking forward to getting Daphne out and taking some good photos.

This Wednesday is going to be my Project Life catch up day. Hoping to work on it a bit on Friday too, but I may reserve that for a pinterest project or two.

So looking forward to being less stressed and just enjoying the next 2 weeks.

Managing My Life: Days 2-5

I am a little behind on posts for a 30 day challenge right now since I started late, but that's ok. I decided to choose the same topic as Liz and learn how to better manage my life.

One of the big things that eats at me on a daily basis is money. I hate money. Since we moved into our apartment last year, I've accrued, ahem, "some" debt. One of my goals is to get that paid off before I graduate college in a few years.

Yesterday my change was owning that amount I owe. I figured it up and it was scary. It was a higher number than what I thought. I just keep reminding myself that I can do this. I've already cut up most of my credit cards (I have quite a few store accounts... And yes I know that doesn't make it any better).

I signed up for Mint.com and was shocked at where my money was going. I knew I needed to make a drastic change.

For the next 30 days, I'm not only going to learn how to manage my life, but I'm not going to spend a dime on anything extra. Clothes, nail polish, scrapbook supplies, not a darn thing!

I would like to keep track of everything I want to buy somewhere, but I don't want to get too crazy or make this too complicated. It's going to be hard enough for me not to buy anything. :)

Another thing I am considering doing is buying a weekly planner. I use my iPhone calendar quite a bit but I think the process of actually writing down what needs to be done each day might be good for me.

Change is in the air around here. Let's just hope I keep to it and don't run away out of fear. :)

F is for failure.

I've done a lot of failing this year.

Failed classes (yes, multiple).
Failed relationships.
Failed managing money.
Failed as a mom (earlier this year, I put Cameron in shorts when it was only 50 degrees out).

Fail, fail, fail.

Over, and over, and over.

I really loved this quote when I found it on Pinterest (a lot of what I pin is quotes - if you're following me, you're welcome).



I pretty much walk around feeling like crap 80% of the time right now because I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like I can't ever give 100% at anything. I always feel like I need more time. Or more money. Or more energy. I feel guilty.

This past year I have had to give up doing things like scrapbooking and blogging and being on twitter. I hate it. I have so many books I want to read and I never have time. I hate people that use that phrase, but I really never have any time. I work 8-5. I spend 6:15-7:30AM getting Cam and I ready to get out the door. I pickup my three-year-old boss at 5:15PM and until 8PM, I cater to him. We color, we read, he has goldfish and juice, we watch Cars, mostly whatever he wants. By the time 8PM rolls around I'm so tired, I just want one freaking hour to sit and do nothing on Pinterest. I procrastinate doing homework. Some nights I'm so overwhelmed after the day and after thinking about what all still needs to be done, I just give up and go to bed. Some nights I stay up past midnight doing homework.

I'm drowning. And I'm not alone.

I literally dream about just walking out of my job every. single. day. But I can't do that because I'm a single mom and my income? That's all we have. And we are scraping by right now.

My life is so unbalanced. I want to get back on track though. So I'm joining Liz's challenge (which is a 31 day challenge from the Nesting Place) to learn how to manage my life.

Up next on the blog? My goals for this project.

Being the heroine.

 

Recently, I found this quote, and at the time, I really needed to read it. Since I read it, it has been a guiding force for me.

 

It has been over a year since my divorce was final now. It is hard to believe it's only been that long. Most days it feels like it has always been like this. Just me and Cameron. Life is easier in some ways, but it is still harder in others. This morning I did not want to go to work. I wasn't feeling well, and I just wanted to take the day off and sleep all day. I don't have that option, and on days like today, it's hard. I want someone to take care of me. I want someone to be there to help financially so I'm able to take the day off. The reality is that it is just me here though, and I have rent and electricity to pay, and if I miss a day of work, I am not able to pay one or more of my bills. So I went to work. Because I depend on myself, and more importantly, Cameron depends on me.

 

It is so very easy for me to make excuses for myself. For me to play the single mom card, and throw my hands up, and say whatever it is that I am doing is too hard. School is too hard, it's too hard to manage my money, it's too hard to make it to work on time. It's all excuses. Yes, divorce was heartbreaking and I still struggle, but it doesn't define me or give me a reason to make excuses.

 

I want to be the heroine.

 

I want to say I really tried. I want to help people. I want to better myself. I want to make meaningful contributions to my world. None of what I am doing is easy right now, but this is the path I have chosen because I believed it would be better for Cameron and myself. As I chose this path, I also have to choose to embrace the now.

 

This is our now, and it's up to me to make the best of it.



March for Babies 2012

This morning was the March for Babies. It was a such a perfect day for walking. Lately, I've been identifying a lot with Ali Edwards' showing up mentality. This morning was definitely one of those moments. Where I was happy I showed up. Last year, we raised over $500, but did not end up walking for a handful of reasons. This year, even though the date changed, I was determined to go. I was determined to show up.

I've preached and spoken many times about why the March of Dimes is so important to me. Cameron was born at 35 weeks, and was in the NICU for 3 days. 3 days is nothing compared to many of the stories I've heard, but the fact that he was there still had an impact on me. It hurts my heart to think of parents having their children in there for months, having to leave their babies or their babies never leaving. No parent should have to go through that.

Our ambassador mom this morning said this: "I know I can't change this by myself, but we do this hoping if we all come together, one day no one will have to go through these things anymore." That, my friends, is why I do this.

There were tears, but there was also a lot of celebration. Celebration, for me personally, was having Cameron there with me. Some of you may also remember the miscarriage I had at the very end of December in 2010. I don't like to talk about it, and rarely do, but I think about that little one often. He or she would have been one this month.

The whole event was very therapeutic. Talking to fellow parents about things other parents take for granted during the birth, knowing its ok to feel how you do, and the sense of knowing what the person walking next to you has been through. It just made me love the March of Dimes and what they are doing even more.

I can't wait to do it again.

Dating & Project Life

For most of this year, I have been dating around. I have been struggling with how to incorporate that part of my life in our scrapbook. It is a part of my story, of our story, since Cameron has been around a few of them. I am very protective of our scrapbook, and I will remember the guys I have dated this year, whether or not I really want to. ;) The dilemma lies in who to mention and who to skip.

The boyfriend I was with for some months last year and a month or so at the beginning of the year is worth mentioning. I believe he made an appearance in our 2011 book. I will mention something about our breakup when I tackle the beginning of February, I'm sure. I mainly dated around until the beginning of this summer. The in-betweens will be skipped. I never spent a good amount of time with them, so I don't feel compelled to mention them. At this point, unless I find a movie ticket stub, I probably won't even remember the dates. (Benefit to procrastinating Project Life this year?) I had a boyfriend this summer and there were a few things Cam and I did that involved seeing him quite a bit. I feel like he will need to be mentioned since we dedicated multiple nights a week to him. He was definitely a part of our beginning-of-summer story.

Recently, I started dating someone new. For the past month or so, we have been very involved in each others lives. In the beginning, I debated whether he would be someone I would mention. Last weekend I had an experience I have not had in years - meeting the parents. I feel pretty safe in mentioning him now. :)

Look for pages from our Project Life album soon.

It is about the journey...

In the beginning of February, I bought Asics running shoes with the goal of doing a 5k by the end of the year. At first, I was worried about the purchase. Would I stick with this or was this just something else I would quit if it got too hard? (I have a habit of doing that - I'm working on it.) I started using the Ease Into 5K app. The very first workout of the app was a struggle, but I went at least 3 times a week. I bought a very nice jogging stroller, another purchase I questioned. I hated that thing. It was so hard to push and steer. It gave me an excuse not to go a few times. But it was when I hit a wall at week 4 that I really started to get frustrated. I accepted that I may never get past that week, and I kept going, and would you believe it? I got past it. I had a breakthrough after doing it for 4 weeks in a row. (Yes, that's right, I did it for 4 weeks.) I had never liked running, but not even half way through my training, I realized I missed it if I didn't go. Now I love it. I've had a bit of a rough year personally, and it has been really therapeutic.

There have been many times I've wanted to quit. When I first started, I was very sore. I still get shin splints occasionally. When I got frustrated, I cried and said I couldn't do it. In February and March, it was really, really cold. I've been sidelined by allergies and heat. I could have quit, but I didn't. And in less than 4 days, all of that will have been worth it when I cross the Cardinals Care 6K finish line inside Busch Stadium. This run is so much more than a run to me. It is the completion of a goal, and as silly as it may sound, a dream. It is proof to myself that I can do something if I work hard and really try. It is proof that you can turn something you dislike into something you love.

I am just so darn proud of myself. Go me.

We are here.

We are still here.

Life is busy and hectic. But it's really good.

Work, laundry, dishes, homework, meetings, phone calls, dates, being lazy, playing, watching tv, time away, birthdays, baseball games, sleepovers, the beach, visiting family. These are the things that have made up our summer.

I found myself drawn to writing again a few months ago. It started with me writing in a Smash book, using it as a personal journal. The things that are happening here on this blog have been in the works for a while. All very cautiously thought out and intentional. This little blog is a work in progress. The name has changed, the look has changed. It needed to reflect that we have changed. Our life may have taken an unexpected turn last year, but we are on the right track now.

I am slowly getting back to doing things I love. Scrapbooking, reading, taking photos, writing. Not too quickly, but I'm getting there. This is just another step. I am so behind on our scrapbook, but I've ignored it for the past 7 months so what makes me think I will be able to accomplish putting 7 months of our lives in a scrapbook overnight? I abandoned doing things I loved for just living for a while. I accept that.

The life you have led doesn't have to be the only life you have. -Anna Quindlen

Here is to writing more and reading more.

Where We Are

(source)

In a few weeks, it will have been a year since I got divorced. There are still some days I struggle with it, and I've learned that that is okay. The life Cameron and I live now is very different than the life we were living then. Accepting and adapting to our new life was not something that could have happened overnight, or even a few months. It took months, but I no longer look at families together and think of my broken dream. Instead, I think "that will happen for us one day". The days that I struggle are very rare now. Being divorced does not define me. Actually, people I meet are usually surprised to hear that I was ever married.

Being a single (and obviously working) mom is hard. Being a single mom who is also a student is harder. There are days I wish for an extra set of hands and eyes to play with and watch Cam so I can start homework a few hours earlier. But they aren't there. I have no family where I live, and my parents live an hour away. It's just me here. For the past 3 or 4 months, I used that as an excuse. I played the victim, even to myself. I claimed there just wasn't time to do homework. I was tired after I got home from work, and after Cam went to bed. Blah, blah, blah. It was all excuses. Excuses to be lazy and pity myself. I had a wake up call recently when I was put on academic probation. School starts again on Monday, and I am more than ready to focus on finishing my degree. It is so easy to lose focus with everything that goes on in life. I just keep envisioning myself walking up there to receive my degree. Only 22 more months!

There is one last thing I will just barely touch on in this post - dating. Oh, dating. Meeting genuine people is so, impossibly hard. I've been hurt more times than I care to admit this year. Thank God for my friends. They keep me going with their "don't give up" and "you're better off" speeches. You know what? They have always been right so far.

All in all, we are in a good place right now.

Project Life: Weeks 1 & 2

Things have been hectic and busy here! As usual. :) Here are my first two weeks of Project Life! Ran out of ink so I'll have to get more before I can do weeks 3 & 4.You can click on the photos to see a more detailed image. :)

Week 1...

And week 2...

Have to be better about posting these as soon as they're done, rather than waiting 2 weeks! :)

One Little Word

My word for 2012 is mindful.

At times last year, I found it hard to focus on how blessed we were amidst the chaos. I really want to be mindful of the blessings we have. In being mindful of what we have, I hope to be more content with what we have. When we moved, I did a big clean out of all of our stuff, I would really like to keep this apartment as clutter free as possible so that the next time we move (which won't be for some time!) there won't be as much. Of course, I know we are bound to collect as we go on. I just hope we are able to shed the things we don't need as we have new things. I took so much stuff to Goodwill.

I also want to be mindful that although we are still in an adjustment period here and that this single mom thing is rough, we really do have so very much to be thankful for. When something seems like it is not going to work out, something else happens and it does. God always provides. I really believe that it is only because of Him that we have made it.

My 2011 word, faith, really brought me through and kept me going. Now I feel like it's time to reflect and be thankful. For all of the struggles, for all of the lessons learned. We will come out ahead. It will get better. We just have to keep going.

Project Life

As 2011 came to a close, I thought a lot about our Project Life album and what it means to us. Cameron, surprisingly, has taken an interest in our scrapbooks lately and really likes looking through them. It is hilarious to listen to his comments on the pages. Overall, I feel like our album really gives a great glimpse at our life in 2011. Someone asked me if I took out pictures and information from earlier in the year, before I was divorced. I laughed and said no. That was our life then, our life changed, and this is our life now. Although I would love to forget some things, we had a lot of good times while we were together as a family and I feel like that is really important for Cameron to know. I am trying harder to take away what was good, and forget the bad.



Going into 2012 there are things I will be doing just the same and there will be things I want to do differently. I want to the journaling cards differently. I want to be able to see them all better, rather than having to flip through them each time. I want to use the day and number stickers more. I loved using the arrow stickers and will continue to use those. I love how customized some people make the albums, but realistically, it's not something I will make time to do and I need to accept that. I'm still working on our cover page - it definitely needs some more personalization. The Instax camera I received as a gift for Christmas is going to be invaluable. I am using the heck out of that thing already. However, I really do need to make an effort to get Daphne out more. Love those DSLR photos. :)



I feel really accomplished, having finished our 2011 album. Obviously, there are many photos I want to make pages with, but I'm getting so much recorded. I am hoping to post our layouts weekly on here, but I'm not making any promises. :)

If you want to see some photos of the beginning of our 2011 Project Life you can do so here.

Potty Training

Hopefully later on in 2012 I will be able to say we are a diaper-free household. We'll see. I do know that we are working on potty training. Cameron moved up to the "2's and 3's" class at his school earlier this year, and well, they potty train in that class. Every day he sits on the potty. Sometimes he goes, sometimes he doesn't. Either way I'm proud of him. He's doing really well. I'm trying to get some incentives going around here. Including printing out a Lightning McQueen potty training chart. I let him know that he would receive a prize for every 5 times he uses the potty. We'll see how it goes.

We have a book that helps us. It's called "No More Diapers for Ducky". It's really great, Cameron loves it. I purchased it through his school so we could have something potty related to read while he sits on his Cars potty seat. We just got a new Scholastic pamphlet today so I'll probably hunt for another potty related book as soon as I get a moment to look at it.

Cameron isn't really, really interested in going on the potty yet. He cries or whines when the teachers or I put him on the potty. I don't want to push him, but I also don't want him to get away with not trying. He does actually go sometimes when he sits on the potty.

Basically, we're getting there. 

Hello.

Long time, no blog.

I'm a really bad blogger, I know. One of my goals is to get back into the habit of blogging. I can make time, I just don't. I choose to watch Gossip Girl usually instead. :)

Things have been going well here for us. We have settled into our new life, our new routine, and our new home quite nicely now. Frankly, being able to do what I want to do, guilt-free is pretty amazing. Cam and I can go visit my parents, or we can stay home. When Cameron is with his Dad, I have all the time in the world to do whatever I want. (During the my school term, it's usually home work.)

This past weekend that free time meant quite a bit of crafting. Christmas time got pretty hectic, but before then and, now, after Christmas, I've found some time to make things. It's been so nice. I've really enjoyed decorating our place. I get to pick out everything without having to hear the opinions of someone else. I never had my own place, I've always lived with other people so it's really great. I'm learning I have to do it slowly, but it's getting there. One week I buy curtains, the next I buy curtain rods, the next I make a wreath. One step at a time.

A lot like how I'm taking life these days. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. With all of my responsibilities. With how long I have before I finish school. With the financial aspects of both. It's scary being on your own. But then I think of how proud of myself I am. I'm doing this. Yes, I have help sometimes, but a lot of the time I don't. It's just me and Cam. And God, of course. He always makes sure we are taken care of. We are so blessed.

I promise to make more time for this in 2012. One step a time.